Did you ever have a relationship with someone who brought out the worst in you? Mine arrived in the person of a woman who was destined to be a part of my life for the next 23 years and still is, until one of us dies or our kids divorce.
Our attempts to "share" events in our lives used to go fairly well, I thought. I'm a good listener and she loves to talk. Her "down home" stories were a part, I thought, of our getting to know one another, since we were caught up involuntarily by our children's romance and eventual marriage along with grandchildren. Our kids married on their 10th dating anniversary.
She had a husband who died a couple of years ago. He was a pleasant and often jolly man who liked intellectual discussion, even though he was an angry man when it came to politics and "the way things are run." Most of the time we were in agreement. His rants annoyed his wife and they discouraged our discussions on those topics. He was a techie type man who had a "cave" at their previous home in Maryland where they lived for the majority of their lives and raised their children. The cave was an irritant to his wife. I saw it when I visited once for Christmas. Recently, she commented that she would like to visit his sister in California to see if her suspicions about her are true. She thinks she is a hoarder. What business is it of hers? It's not, but it's another way to show her prejudice of people she wants to keep at bay.
She does this with me. Many years ago I was invited to her home in Maryland for Christmas. I was criticized for everything from rubbing her daughter's feet while on the couch, to turning off too many lights, to getting up too early on Christmas morning, interrupting their "traditional" mother/daughter Christmas morning talk. I came home feeling very badly about myself, as I was trying to be a good guest, trying to establish a relationship with this new part of my family. This was before I realized the impossibility of that. I was/am too much of a threat to her personally.
I just called her former sister in law who used to come visit. She visited her brother and stayed as their for a week or two when she was younger. She told me stories about how she was made to feel uncomfortable. As a sister in law she is a quiet, personable woman who doesn't make "waves." She told me that she offered money to Helen for her stay there, and was shocked that Helen accepted it. She said her brother never would have and she didn't mention it to him. Her other brother also visited and he didn't like her, either.
I liked Cindy and asked her if she would like to go to a movie with me, thinking that we were both single women and it would make her stay more enjoyable and I would get to know her better. She said she would like to, but couldn't.
Children's birthdays were always a matter of last minute party preparations. During some such preparations, everyone had gone out to get balloons, drinks, ice, etc. I took my grandson up to his bed to read a book, since he was so excited he needed a quiet time. I didn't realize that Cindy was still at home and she poked her head around the doorway to ask if she could join us. I said "of course," thinking that she would be like Helen and just need attention. But she just chatted and we read Ben's book. The troops soon arrived, but not before Cindy came and sat with me on the living room couch, saying, "I have wanted to get to know you, Paula, but I would be punished if I went to a movie with you." I was shocked, but a friendship ensued and we called one another occasionally after that. The stories about our mutual dislike of Helen have helped both of us to endure her.
Once Ron died, Helen, who was living up here now, became more of a force to reckon with. She never commented on my artwork even though she attended several of my shows with Mary and family. She was miffed when Cindy came over to choose a painting that she liked. I just gave it to her, no charge and sent it out to her in CA. Since Cindy stayed with Helen when she came to visit, she was able to get a feeling about how Helen was reacting to such things.
Well, I've know her for so many years and I think she has taken enough away from me; my self esteem at times, my personality at others. I think it's time for me to stop these hurt feelings and let her go, wherever she may be. This is not well written, but it has enabled me to get out many hurt feelings through a lack of understanding I have had over the years.
I think I finally have figured her out and she is a mean woman with a purpose.
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